THE ANCESTRAL MIND #033 - NEURODIVERSITY AND WHANAUNGATANGA: THE “DOUBLE EMPATHY PROBLEM”
Redefining family ties
When we talk about whanaungatanga on our marae or around our kitchen tables in Taitokerau, we are talking about something much deeper than just social networking or ticking a bureaucratic box. It is the simple, down-to-earth truth that we are all permanently stitched together as one people. Our ancestors understood that no human being is an isolated island, and that what happens to one person directly affects the rest of the whānau. This deep bond means we share a collective life force that links us to each other, to our ancestors, and to the very land we walk on. For many of our neurodivergent whānau, this connection is not just a nice idea, it is something they feel in their bodies every single day.
Thin sensory filters
Many autistic or ADHD minds operate with very thin filters. A standard mind is excellent at shutting out background noise, like the hum of a fridge, a flickering fluorescent light, or people talking down the hall, to keep life simple and manageable. But a highly sensitive mind keeps the windows wide open, taking in every single sound, light, and change in the room all at once. When a young person walks into a busy shop or classroom and feels instantly exhausted, the modern system is quick to call it a behavioral breakdown or a disorder. In reality, their mind is simply trying to process every piece of information around them instead of blocking it out. It is a highly detailed way of seeing the world, but it takes an enormous amount of daily energy to manage.
The empathy mismatch
This deep difference in processing is exactly what drives the breakdown known as The Double Empathy Problem. This concept shows us that communication gaps between different types of minds are not due to one side lacking basic kindness or empathy. Instead, it is a mutual mismatch between two completely different internal operating systems. One mind likes to keep things simple by filtering out background details, while the detailed mind is trying to build a complete picture out of every single piece of data. When these two ways of thinking meet without a bridge, they talk straight past each other.
Scrambled messages and walls
The standard mind thinks the sensitive person is overreacting or being difficult, while the sensitive person feels completely unseen and misunderstood. Because they process the world differently, the message gets scrambled in transit, creating artificial walls inside our own homes, schools, and workplaces. We often spend so much time trying to force our young people to act like everyone else, completely ignoring how they are actually wired. This constant pressure to blend in drains their energy and damages their sense of identity.
Building local bridges
We need to stop forcing everyone to communicate in a single, standardised way. Instead, let us value our sensitive whānau members who can notice hidden tensions, technical flaws, and details that others miss completely. We can build spaces where different minds are respected. By realising these differences and building real understanding at the grassroots level, we can ensure that our whānau live together in genuine harmony. Taitokerau has the heart and the down-to-earth capability to show the rest of the world how to overcome these divides and build a truly fair and connected society.
